Note 11: Never Say Never: 9 Things I Swore I’d Never Say….

Everyone warns you that being a parent changes your life. I expected that. No more marathon party weekends with my friends, or frequent enchanting get-a-ways with hubby, or hours at the salon. Extracurricular time would be for the kids. Got it. Nooooo problem.

I just never thought that I would change. When I got pregnant with Brooks, I pictured I would remain myself—just with a kid. Ya know, running around looking fabulous with him by my side in a cute little fedora.

Yeah, it was more like this.

HA!

There was a moment about a month ago when I actually didn’t recognize myself. My hair hadn’t been touched by a professional in 5 months, I was wearing a sack dress, and my toenails had sporadic chips of various nail colors.

Sad, but oh, so true. Photo credit: @teamnobadtimes

Don’t worry, I’ve been to the salon. And finally got a shower.

But, my character is also changing. My priorities are changing. And I find myself saying (and believing) things I SWORE I’d never say. I’ve reached the parenting point of no return.

Witty, Carrie Bradshaw-esque phrasing that I so often prided myself on has been replaced by my new parenting prose.

Here are some recent gems:

“I’m Just Resting My Eyes”

My MOTHER used to say this all of the time. We all know I love Linda. And, now that I’m a mom, I feel like I need to call and thank her every day. BUT, this was one phrase that she’d say that drove us all nuts. I remember saying, “No you AREN’T…YOU ARE SLEEPING. WAKE UP!” But, “resting my eyes,” sounds so much more glamorous than, “I need a nap!” Doesn’t it?!

“The Floor’s Clean”

This would totally GROSS ME OUT when other moms would say this to their kids. Like, HELLO, your kid just dropped something on the floor. DO NOT LET THEM EAT IT. We aren’t cave people.

Totally Clean.

But, after the 5,000^th time the goldfish hits the hardwood seas, you let them reel the sucker in.

 “Let Me Check You After You Wipe”

Another Linda gem that grossed me out to no end. But, you can’t have your little guys run around with an un-wiped bottom, right?! The mommy check is key to a clean hiney. Especially with boys.

Mom, you’re doing WHAT to my brother?!

 

“Not My Son”

Sorry, childcare professional, it wasn’t Brooks’ fault. Or Franco’s. Ever. They just wouldn’t do something like that. They are angelic.

Or plotting.

“Because I Said So”

Hated this phrase too. But like the food on the floor, after the 5,000^th “But, Why?!” I got nothin’.

“I’d Rather Just Hang Home Tonight”

I was ALWAYS the friend ready to go out. No matter what the occasion. Family party? Count me in. Midnight Movie? I’ll go. Extra shift at work? I’ll take it! Sitting at home and vegging was something I just rarely did after about 3 p.m. Now, the thought of having to pack everyone and everything up and go somewhere makes me have a minor anxiety attack. The rare occasion to just hang at home with the boys is a borderline luxury.

 

Yes.

“Leftovers Sound Great”

I used to think leftovers (unless it was pizza or mom’s pasta) were gross. Now, they are a survival mechanism.

Thankfully, he loves mom’s leftover pasta, too.

 

“I Don’t Really need Those Fabulous Sky-High Wedges. Those Loafers Though….”

My shoe game is sad now. So, so sad. Just the other day I put down the most beautiful pair of leather wedges for fuchsia loafers. Who.Am.I?

 

Yep, I own these.

“My Boys Are My World”

If you told me 5 years ago that two wild little boys would rule my universe I would have choked on my Merlot. But, here we are. And here they are. And they are just the perfect example of why I was put on this earth.

❤

 

 

Never say Never: Noted.

What do you find yourself saying that you SWORE you’d never? Leave it in the comments!

 P.S. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let this blog disappear into the ether like I’ve done with blogs in the past. I’m sorry it’s been so long and I so appreciate all of your kind words and subtle hints that I needed to get my ass in gear. I’ll try to write more. Thank you for your support, your comments, and for reading! XOXO.

 

Note 10:Parenting Is The Ultimate Contact Sport

It’s hard to remember the last time I just vegged out on the couch and actually watched an entire football game from start to finish. Probably sometime in early 2013.

Now, I barely get glimpses of the game while trying to manage the boys.

Some Sundays this season I was so delirious, I swore the referees were calling the game of my life  instead of the plays on the field.

Timeout.

Interception

I have the privilege of working from home two days a week. While I’m thankful for the opportunity, it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Like when you are on a conference call and your baby blows through his diaper and you have to change him while on the call and reporting your piece. I think it took two full weeks to get the smell of poop out of my cell phone.

I was so proud of myself prior to the blowout, too. Franco was down for a nap, all of my notes were ready to roll, and the home office was pristine. Everything was heading straight for the end zone, when BAM!

A shitty interception.

Field Goal

Spaghetti Score.

Meals are always an adventure. Some days, you give up and just go for the three points. Like when your son eats “his entire plate” of spaghetti, while he is covered from head to toe with gravy and meatball and  a fourth of the pasta it is on the floor.

Offside

I’m thinking hubby and I need our own set of hand signals, like in the game. How am I supposed to know that hubs didn’t think Brooks should be allowed to have a picnic dinner on the floor? Or that building a tent in his bed at 8:00 at night was frowned upon? Or that his favorite dino was hidden for a very.important. reason.

Sometimes we need to take a second and evaluate where we’re at.

Fumble

A chocolately fumble sealed with a smooch.

Once in a while, I just drop the ball.

Last week, was one of those slippery moments. Brooks was TIRED. I was PMSing and so was Franco.  Breakfast seemed like the most difficult thing in the world. Brooks suggested a brownie and I handed it over. Horrible play calling.

Even worse, I had one with him…we even “cheersed” our brownies. Fumble in the end zone.

Unnecessary Roughness

Similar to how the NFL is a brotherhood, the minute you have a child you are in the sisterhood. This is why I will never understand mom on mom judging. I hosted a group playdate at my house one afternoon and one of the little guys was a bit more spirited than the rest. He did nothing that a few Clorox wipes and five minutes of timeout couldn’t fix. But, the looks and the whispers were enough to last his poor mom a lifetime. There is never an excuse for throwing that kind of shade at a member of the mommy tribe. I’ll call unnecessary roughness almost every time.

Pass interference

You’re crazy if you think we’re watching this game, mom.

We often have the best intentions and then an outside force blows it. I think every time we have some sort of planned event scheduled, a Lamboy will spike a random fever, or projectile vomit, or have a blowout, or throw a random earth-shattering tantrum.

It’s life’s job to interfere; we need to just huddle, regroup and lob another pass.

Touchdown

Love.

Isn’t it amazing when you just get it right?

Like when Brooks actually stops for a second and has a tender moment with Franco. Or, I arrive at work without snot, spit up, or a dried up Cocoa Puff on my dress. Or everyone is in bed by eight and you can enjoy your hubby for a little bit. Or when you  play the ultimate game of dinosaur vs. trains and your son looks at you like you are his hero. The rush of taking the ball through the end zone makes all the other bad calls so worth it.

Parenting is the ultimate contact sport: Noted.